A moment to reflect to me the love I cannot see within myself, the love that I don’t believe is real, the magic I believe is only in a faerie tale.
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There I was opening my heart completely, in awe at this serendipitous connection that was really out of this world, totally absorbed in a magical world of bliss knowing that if I died tomorrow, I would be totally happy with my life. But fearing in my mind that this wasn’t real, this couldn’t be sustained, being too fantastical and somehow make believe. Yet I could feel the immense joy and bliss running through my veins and the deep connection of this powerful relation, looking into the eyes of a total stranger who I’ve known for many lifetimes and missed dearly; with clear memories and emotions that brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart, not wanting to let this go, please don’t go.
And I stayed in this state, of what may be considered an unhealthy high, for a few days, hoping and praying it was real but deep within knowing it wasn’t. I came crashing down with the realization that even though the connection was completely real in that moment; that is exactly what it was. A moment to reflect to me the love I cannot see within myself, the love that I don’t believe is real, the magic I believe is only in a faerie tale. And what a reflection of love it was, being brought to my knees and humbled, taking this leap of faith like the fool and all the while trying to be strong and present in my own spiritual awareness to not close down this partially open heart of mine.
You see, part of my intention for this year was to receive more of the following: sharing love, opening my heart, truth, forgiving, remembering who I am, connecting deeply with myself, receiving love, experiencing life fully, embracing relationships…. And with this intention, the universe clearly obliged, bringing me this deep and powerful connection with my heart wide open, allowing me to smile ear to ear and then fall to the floor in tears, not realizing that the outward reflection of pain and suffering, deep love and compassion, understanding and joy, bitter frustration and helplessness, was all the reflection of what I couldn’t see in me and where I couldn’t love myself.
Relationships are powerful healers and reflections of love. They teach us, bring us joy, comfort us, and help us grow in ways we could not design with our simple minds. I realize, while still struggling in this tender heart space, that the anger, pain, joy, and frustrations that I think I feel for another are really what I feel for myself and if I choose, I can look deep within that wound and hold her hand, sing her a song, play with her, give her the nourishment she deserves and take her on a magical tour of her inner fantastical world so that she can share it with others, keeping her heart open, without expectation of something in return, without agenda.
It may be some time before I find that enlightenment fully, but for now I sit in awareness exactly where I am, giving myself permission to be in whatever state is necessary for present time.
Lessons Learned
1. Be careful what you wish for, but don’t stop wishing or aiming for your dreams
2. Be open to receive healing & give yourself permission to be exactly where you are
3. Be honest and authentic with how you feel and what you are experiencing
4. Be cautious of other peoples relationship advice – trust your inner wisdom
5. Be observant with what you are giving, receiving, and processing
6. Find amusement in the design of your own co-creations
7. Be gentle with yourself: smile, laugh, love.
Reflections Poem:
I reflect my energy
Upon the stormy seas
Within the galaxies
Within the you ,that’s me
Within the me, that’s you
When I’m happy or I’m blue
When my eyes can’t see the truth
When my heart breathes love for two
I reflect all that I am
external and within
and I access true wisdom
when I center and listen
I hear the beat of ki
as I am everything I see
and I reflect my energy
within the you, that’s me
Many Blessings on your path,
Katherine Ganev, The Urban Spirit Guide